


You Were Lucky!

by Purplesprout



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: British Comedy, F/M, Funny, References to Monty Python, Relationship Discussions, Relationship Issues, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:38:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplesprout/pseuds/Purplesprout
Summary: Demeter, Jennyanydots and Jellylorum discuss toms. A short play written in the style of Monty Python, not related to any of my other works. I was bored and I've been watching too much You Tube.





	You Were Lucky!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh right... yeah, the disclaimer! Erm... I do not own Cats. There. Oh, and I wish I could say that this is an original idea, but it's not. I knicked it off Monty Python. Sorry Monty!
> 
> This might make you chuckle if, like me, you are a little bit insane. If not then, it's ok. You're normal!

  * Jellylorum: Alright love?
  * Jennyanydots: Yeah, Demi how ya doin, me duck?
  * Demeter: Actually, not so good today, Mum and Aunt Jenny.
  * Jm: Why, what's up?
  * Js: Yeah, you're usually so chipper these days.
  * D: Oh... it's just... me and Munk.
  * Jm: What about you's two? Tell me you haven't been fighting again, have you?
  * D: That would be preferable to what's been going on lately! *Starts to cry.*
  * Jm: Oh, love! Ere, Jenny! Pop the kettle on, will you dear? Ta! Now. Tell me all about it, Dems.
  * Js: Yeah! We're here to help, love!
  * D: It's just... he's so busy all the time, that he hardly ever pays me any attention! When he comes home in the morning, after patrolling all night, all I get is a peck on the cheek and a: "Morning, Honey!" Then, he eats his tea and goes straight to sleep! He doesn't even say: "I love you" when he leaves anymore.
  * Jm: Peck on the cheek?!  _Peck on the cheek?!!!_  Oh, how I'd have cherished such displays of affection! You're lucky to get a kiss at all, young lady!
  * D: _Am_ I?
  * Jm: Aye! When my first husband (God rest his soul!) came home, all I'd get was a: "Where's me tea, wench!" He'd stuff his face, complain about me cooking, and then, after _that,_ he'd expect me to lie on me bleedin' back for him!
  * Js: Ahh... I used to _dream_ of _my_ first husband acknowledging my existence! No, when he'd come home after a week of being God knows where, I'd get a beating to within an inch of me life cos tea weren't on the table, and then another one after, cos he didn't like the tea!
  * Jm: Does he say goodbye to you, Dems? You know, when he leaves?
  * D: Not always. A lot of the time he's gone before I wake up.
  * Jm: Ah! That's so _considerate_ of him not to wake you up, ain't it, Jenny? _Mine_ used to kick me in the head when I were fast asleep, just for fun, and while disappearing on out the door, he'd yell: "You'd better be ere when I gets back, bitch, so I can give you a jolly good thrashing!" (I'd look forward to him coming home!)
  * D: That's another thing! Me and Munk want another kitten, but we only get to do it, like... once a week! If _that!_
  * Jm: Wow! Once a week?! Blimey! If I was lucky I'd get it once a month!
  * Js: Once a year if _I_ were lucky!
  * Jm: Yeah! You're lucky yours actually _makes_ love to you still! Mine used to shout at me, call me a useless, fat cow... then rape me! Then, once he'd finished all that, I'd have to put up with his bleedin snoring!!!
  * Js: Oooh... to be shouted at! _Mine_  would thrash me with his belt, and then half choke me, before burying me in the ground!
  * D: Aunty... if he buried you, how come you're sat here talking to us?
  * Js: I used to have to dig meself out every morning!
  * D: Crikey...!
  * Jm: So yeah, love... you and Munk got something there. Something worth treasuring.
  * Js: Yeah! He's a good one, and don't you forget it!
  * Jm: All toms are bastards, though, dear. Don't forget _that,_ either. Luckily, yours is a low level one (which is knight in shining armour territory!) _Mine_ were a top class, forty two karat, rotten hearted bastard right the way through! Couldn't wait for the git to drink himself to death! 
  * Js: I murdered mine.
  * D: ... What!?
  * Js: Oh yeah! When things got so bad that he'd moved from beating me with a belt, to hitting me with a fire poker, I waited till he was asleep and bashed his brains out with a frying pan! So, you could always try _that,_ dear... see how it works out for you...
  * Jm: OR, you could just go and give him a big kiss from us! Look, there he is! Aw! He's come to see you! Alright, Munk?! Yeah, we were just talking about you! Nothing bad of course...!



 

**Author's Note:**

> Hee hee! Thanks for reading. This was based on the Four Yorkshiremen sketch, so if you haven't checked it out, I really think you should!


End file.
